Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Stream Of Subconsciousness

Today, we are beginning a new meeting schedule within the company. It will streamline creativity and productivity while decentralizing both. It's a good step toward a growing future for our organization. Of course, nobody REALLY knows how it's all going to work. We'll figure and tweak as we go. But when there's not a complete and spelled out plan to a process, I immediately mistrust it. Right now, there is a meeting taking place where conversation is happening that I used to be a part of in the old meeting structure. I am freaking out. I began to tweet these crazy statements from within the darkest parts of my heart and mind. Read and enjoy just how depraved and selfish I am.

I'd much rather doubt than believe. Thing is, it makes me a good songwriter but a terrible christ-follower.

I have a propensity for mistrust. It's why I'm a bad friend and an even worse employee.

Inside, I like being angry and frustrated better than I like being happy and at peace. It's easier. I like being lazy.

Whenever I do good, I immediately assume that I've done so because I should and not because I really wanted to.

The ball of tension in my gut is the dark secret thing that I nurture so I have a feeling I can always count on.

I constantly look for what I can get out of a situation or relationship - sometimes without even knowing it.

I don't know if I really believe all this crap.

Like my jokes? It's a dark humor. You wouldn't understand.

I find my self worth in possessing a skill, aptitude, idea or knowledge that no one else does. It makes me better than everyone.

I have an insatiable need for affirmation. It's like a bottomless tub of popcorn that gets stuck on your tonsils.

I have an unending desire to feel special. By the very nature of my need it cannot be met.

My needs are defined by my wants and I always want more. Therefore I always need more. I'm a needy poor soul - according to me.

This is an evil stream of subconsciousness that is totally given over to the selfish things I am feeling inside. Have a great day! TMF

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Best Of The Best

Several years ago, I wrote a song about my fears and insecurities with regards to my ability to provide for my family. I've always seen monetary affluence as a symbol of success. Recently, however, I am starting to feel that the best way to measure my life's worth isn't by the total earned figure, but by how much margin there is below that figure. This way, no matter how much money I have, it's always enough. Read the lines and feel the desperation. It makes me sad to think of the turmoil inside of myself at that time. As tumultuous as our life can be now with 3 kids, a mortgage, career and so forth, nothing compares to the hopeless, frustrated listlessness that abided in my mind then. I am truly grateful for where we are now - our life is a story of God's grace.

Best Of The Best
Michael Ferrari 2006

This is all I have to give, just a little bit.
This is not enough to live comfortably
The weak don’t know what to say when the strong arrive
You’ll find the weak where the wounded lay
And say a prayer that they will survive

            It isn’t the best things I’ve ever wanted
            tearing me up inside like this one thing:
            that I can’t provide the best of the best for you.

You know your grandfather said it best
when you danced at the winery
“You shouldn’t wear that wedding dress
if you have to work as hard as he”
And my heart, God rest it’s soul,
it goes out for your every need.
We’re throwing good money down the hole
but pinch the nickel till we make it bleed.

            It isn’t the best things I’ve ever wanted
            tearing me up inside like this one thing:
            that I can’t provide the best of the best for you.